Restlessness, recklessness and the pursuit of fulfilment
I have never considered myself as someone who is reckless. I have always been the logical and rationale friend, even as an adolescent negotiating the risk versus benefits of activities my wayward peers were enticing me to participate in. Reckless in my mind is irresponsible, careless and without concern about the impact, something I do not resonate with. This was until a friend casually described something I did as reckless.
There was no malice in their words, just a simple observation. Yet it triggered something in me. An internal defensiveness fuelled by distorted thinking- justifying, minimising, blaming etc. As I waded through these feels and put my ego aside, I was able to see the recklessness of my actions and then began to see the patterns of recklessness over my life.
It seemed that when I became overwhelmed with restlessness, I would ‘act out’ to release the shackles. In my adolescence and early adulthood this often-involved drugs, alcohol and typical rebellious behaviours that are justifiable by the age of experimentation. As I became a mother, my outlets for release became restricted. With three kids under five, they were nearly nonexistent. As a response I became so busy I could not feel the restlessness, distracting my soul with a full, busy and for the most part, happy life.
Surrounded by a diverse, rich and vibrant tribe of friends, I was still able to foster deep connections that seemed to fill my soul…and a night on the dance floor always seemed to release the restlessness or a while.
As my kids are moving through adolescents, the work pace has lessened significantly and I am living at a much slower pace, I have once again began experiencing a restlessness. In an effort not to completely set fire to the life I have created through reckless abandon, I embarked on trying to get a better understanding of this deep desire for freedom and adventure. This understanding has led me to consider whether informed recklessness could be a way forward. I say that with a smile because I recognise the contradiction, can recklessness truly be ‘informed’ given the very definition is doing something without caution.
Can recklessness be informed when you can’t fully predict the consequences of your behaviour?
In my efforts to untangle this concept I delved deeper into my ‘restlessness’- what is it that I am seeking to fulfil? What is that feeling of longing that doesn’t seem as though could be satisfied without reckless abandon?
By definition restlessness is simply an inability to rest or relax due to anxiety or boredom. I am neither bored nor anxious however still feel restless.
What I am referring to is a feeling of a deep longing for new experiences, new adventures and an internal yearning for something different. I have always had shame accompany my feelings of restlessness; I am grateful for the life I have so why am I longing for more?
My most recently soul journey has allowed me to embrace the concept of duality and meet this shame head on. My longing for freedom is not associated with the stability that I have, it does not have to come at a cost of this, I can embrace as a part of me that I have felt a need to contain since early adolescence. It is the part of me that is naturally curious, someone who seeks new knowledge and experiences and someone that seeks enrichment through deep connection, awe and wonder.
The recklessness is the adrenaline, the dopamine and the feels that come with the fleeting feeling of risk however often this comes with a crash.
Despite my awareness, the restlessness still exists however I can now approach it with an awareness I have not previously had.
My highly intuitive eldest daughter sensed my most recent bout restlessness. The only way I could explain it was that I was desperate for freedom however as I was saying it out loud, I knew deep down that I didn’t want to run away and leave it all behind…but that was how I was verbalising it. Recklessness.
In drawing on my years of work in harm reduction I began to wonder, what if I approached recklessness through a lens of harm reduction. What if awareness can lead to informed risk taking, would that settle the rumbling of the soul? Could I live with passion, adventure and freedom without living with reckless abandon.
Some call it living with authenticity, some call it living in alignment. Whatever the term I came to realise that I already live with informed recklessness. I challenge the status quo, I am raising my kids to challenge it to, I embrace uncertainty, and I already take calculated risks, so where is that soul yearning coming from.
I have been fortunate enough to connect with an amazing coach who creates the space for me to talk through these things with and she simply asked, but what do you do that is just for you, because you want to? Not because it will help you develop so you can be a better parent or enable others or impact the world. What do you do that is just for you?
This question stumped me.
I go to gym nearly every day, I walk daily, I go out with friends regularly and I pretty much live the life I want to. How fortunate I am. However, when I unpacked this, there always seems to be an element of guilt associated whenever I carve out space for myself.
Perhaps my deepest desire is not for recklessness but for the ability to do something for myself, completely without guilt. To say no unapologetically. To live with radical honesty. To release the weight of expectations about who I should be.
Informed recklessness, I have come to realise, is not in fact a thing.
It is a choice to live a life that one wants without the constraints of others. If we live into our values, our actions will not be intended to cause pain or suffering to others, they will simply be living without guilt. The idea of this sound liberating, soul filling and already quells some of the restlessness.
When you go on a spiritual journey, they often speak about honouring the inner child and our purpose being found in our hopes and dreams of childhood.
Maybe that is what the restlessness is? Our desire to live our authentic lives? Not fighting the restlessness, not embracing the recklessness but giving ourselves permission to live a life that nourishes our soul however that may look.
This is not a new concept, however living authentically is not something I have ever related to that restlessness.
As I was writing this, I called my eldest over and shared my insights with her. Being able to define my restlessness is one thing, explaining it is something else.
With this awareness and ability to understand duality, my journey is not to tame my desires but instead find healthy ways to live into them without guilt.
"Wholeness is not achieved by cutting off a part of oneself, but by integrating the contradictions." – Carl Jung