Self-compassion- a fundamental for living with purpose

I have contemplated for some time about publishing this blog. It deviates from my focus on our working selves and gets a little raw, real, and personal. My decision to put it out to the world rests on my belief that we do not live in isolation in any of the roles we show up in. We as professionals cannot be understood in isolation from our other systems we operate in and, to understand the systems, we must consider the relationships and interactions between all parts, not just how we show up in one part.

Our journey to living with purpose requires us to explore all our parts, and that means unpacking some of the internal narratives we live with and getting a little raw.

Over the last 18 months I have been on journey of self-discovery. Resources, time and commitments didn’t give me the luxury of doing this in some magical retreat in Mexico, so my journey has been long, messy, full of contradictions, and, at times, painful. Finding my way back to someone full of love, hope, enthusiasm and spirit has been worth the ride.

My life really took a turn around two months ago when I realised that I was in a place of vulnerability and I could not give others the support, time or space they needed. This is something I have centred my entire identity on…’the helper’. My positive optimistic self-seemed to have a dark cloud above it and my view on humanity and the world was dulled. It was during this time that I realised that if I wasn’t living with joy, I was rendered useless to those around me. Not only that, but negative perceptions also shadowed my experiences and impacted how I was showing up in every area of my life.

After working on systems change for so long and being absolutely exasperated by decisions and politics that created more division and harm in our society has become overwhelming. I was just simply surviving and everyone around me also seemed to be just getting by.

Cost of living pressures, commitments beyond what a normal human can handle, trying to be the best version of ourselves in work, parenting, life ..let alone be healthy, fit and “happy”. All caught in systems creating greater strain, resulting in a lack of joy.

When the overwhelming majority are not living with joy, how on earth can we expect people to care about the less fortunate or even have the power to hold decision makers to account…or even be bothered or empowered to ask “why”?

When you are losing sleep wondering how you are going to pay next month’s mortgage or fund your kids’ multiple paediatric visits, how are you going to feel passionate about the Government investing in our disadvantaged, especially if that means being hit with more taxes.

So many people seemed to be living life out of necessity, just getting by, just getting through. What then ensues is a cycle of overwhelm, guilt and a sense of failure that often plays out in self-sabotage, conflict within our relationships and not showing up in ways we are proud in any areas of our lives.

This realisation that I was in this cycle was a light bulb moment for me. Instead of blaming external forces, if I wanted to give to others and re-discover the spirit I believed was inside of me, I needed to do my own work to get back there. Only then could I give to others.

There hasn’t been a time in my life that I remember not being busy. My self-worth was attached to how active I was, my social life, my workload and my parenting capability. I loved it, thrived on it and wore my ‘busyness’ as a badge of honour. My capacity to take on huge workloads was always recognised and rewarded. I was continually applauded for my capacity to manage busyness like a boss.

Several years ago, my busyness seemed to get beyond what one person is capable of. This resulted in a never-ending feeling of not being good enough, never doing things at 100% and taking on more to prove my worth.

It occurred to me that my life had become a circus, and I was in fact the ringmaster. I wasn’t the professional, parent, partner or friend I wanted to be. However, geez I became a pro at masking. I honestly still had gratitude every day however my empathy and capacity to support those around me was diminished.

I reflect on the years leading up to this, trying to pinpoint the moment my cup ran empty however it was not one particular moment, it was the drops of water seeping from the cracks that I never repaired and from a cup I never nurtured.

My parenting journey started when I was 27 and by 31, I had three kids 4 and under. I returned to work very early with all three babies, thankful to have my mum and mother-in-law to help. On reflection I had post-natal depression with my first. Going from a full social life, working two jobs and studying, to being at the whim of someone I was solely responsible for keeping alive was mind blowing.

Our lives were full of outings, social connections and structure and routine that helped us function.

When the girls were around 7, 5 & 3, I separated from my partner. Our relationship had been full of love however there were some long standing demons that took over and I escaped through taking more on and not being present in the relationship. A vicious cycle.

I didn’t grieve the loss of my relationship at the time, in my true coping style I supressed the shit out of my emotions and took on more. What better way to move through something, take on a law degree (for the record it lasted 2 ½ years before one of my lawyer friends questioned my sanity!)

I have always been lucky to have a solid tribe of beautiful friends who picked me up from the bottom of the shower. I recall one pivotal moment when I messaged a friend and asked what do I do if I can’t pull my shit together enough to read a bedtime story to my kids. Within 15 minutes she was at my side and sitting with my kids reading them a book. This act was something I will never ever forget. We need people to pull us out of the trenches at times.

Despite these lows, my masking capabilities were fantastic.

Parenting was a new challenge…’controlling’ three tiny humans and the pressure to be everything society expected as a mother was a recipe for disaster. On one side, when I was parenting how I naturally wanted to, our lives were full of love, laughter, and chaos however on the other side there were heightened emotions and a whole lot of yelling.

Countless nights I spend googling “how to parent a strong-willed child”. My eldest was a force in herself which has been my biggest learning..this is a blog post in itself…however anxiety, school refusal and conflict typified her life from about 8-13 years old. I reflect on this time, and I was not the parent she needed. I prioritised what I thought she should be doing, pinned my self-worth and ego on trying to raise a kid inside the square and created a space that was in fact the worse thing I could have done for her…my attempt to control was perpetuating the situation.

The shame cycle that underpinned my entire existence was something I wasn’t aware of at the time however so evident when I look back. When I would hear “you are such a great mum”, shame and guilt would immediately kick in. Yes, our house was full of love however there were bouts of rage and anger- something I have taken years to repair and reconcile.

Things came to a head over Covid and when my eldest was 13. By this stage bullying, anxiety, weight gain and depression had enveloped her. I recall her desperately screaming at me “you can help all the other kids and you can’t help your own daughter.” Damn that hit hard…shame completely overtook.

Around this time, I went to a meeting with her at her school around a flexible plan to re-engage her. I sat with her in this meeting and watched the way she was treated by the co-ordinators. My heart broke for her. There was no empathy from them, purely judgement and unrealistic expectations.

When something is so broken, you can’t just keep doing what you are doing and expect a different result. This was the first step I took in unlearning everything I thought I should be from society, however the shame kept eating away…my maladaptive response was more control…diet, binge eating, exercise. This was my cycle.

The cost-of-living pressures also impacted as a single mum with a mortgage. I sold my house of 16 years and entered the rental market. That year we lost several loved ones to illness, moved house twice and my professional world was no longer the solitude it once was.

I was just surviving. My spark was dulled and my cup was not full enough to be giving to others the way I wanted to.

I did what we are conditioned to do, went to the doctor, got some pills and lo and behold it was still the same. I threw myself into more and decided I must have ADHD (Charlie was diagnosed and I related so strongly to her experiences this must be what is “wrong” with me) …and I must be in perimenopause because everything is out of control. I was searching for answers and in doing so took on more and spent so much money trying to fix myself.

A protective factor in that chaos of my life was always my work. It was my passion. I thought I had found my Ikigai. However, that began crumbling too. Systems failures and organisations buckling under pressures of increased compliance, resourcing and a lack of funding meant organisations were just surviving, at the cost of providing supportive, psychologically safe workplaces and servicing the community in the way they needed it.

Building more hospitals yet not having workforces to staff it, or having workforces completely burnt out, recruiting more front-line emergency services when they are losing so many to the culture from archaic processes and hierarchy and building more prisons and reducing investment in what will keep people and kids out of prison. Politics- power and ego.

The world around me was a shambles everywhere I looked.

For me personally, this led to moral injury and the final straw.

I took a brave and bold move and stepped away from the work I so deeply loved and that fundamentally shaped my entire existence.

What followed was a healing journey- meditation, journalling, mindfulness, gratitude, time in nature. I was open to anything and everything…even replacing my beloved techno beats and heavy metal with podcasts.

I felt like I was making progress. Learning to appreciate the important things in life however I also noticed I returned to maladaptive eating (we all have something). The shame cycle reared its ugly head however this time I could name it and embarked on a search for answers to why I couldn’t break free. I could name it because I had the space to unpack it.

Last week I found my clarity – self-compassion.

I have so much compassion for people around me yet the deep shame I have held onto renders self-compassion an elusive unicorn.

I tell my girls that guilt is a useless emotion…it drives shame. Shame has no purpose or place in our lives. We are all human; we make mistakes, and we act in ways opposed to our values on occasions and sometimes…we do shit things.

The key is in the repair work. Apologising to those who we hurt and being kind to ourselves and learning from it.

Powered For Purpose started because I believed if we could all start living with a little more joy, we would be more able to support those around us in need…and feel confident to ask the bigger why questions.

What I didn’t realise it that this all starts from self-compassion.

I was able to take this journey because I let go of busyness and, instead of my newfound slower pace driving shame due to my belief that it equated to laziness, I found self-compassion.

Self-compassion gives us space to notice our needs, take care of these needs, reckon with other people’s behaviour towards us and build our personal power. Evidence shows that higher levels of self-compassion lead to increased optimism, happiness, curiosity and connection.

To lead ourselves and others towards more fulfilment, purpose and joy, self-compassion must be at the core. To connect with this, we need to let go of the expectations, of being and doing more than humanly possible in our personal and professional lives.

The journey is messy and raw however once the clouds start parting and you start showing up for yourself and those around you in a way that you feel proud, this becomes your norm and every life you touch will benefit.